When I first met Linda and we knew were we the ones for each other, it was magic. We were so excited, we could not wait to share it and to celebrate it. We planned a “Holy Union” because being married was not even on the radar in those days. It was a quarter of a century ago, and our church, which is now one of the biggest supporters of marriage equality, refused to allow us to use the sanctuary or to have the main minister perform the ceremony. We were relegated to a side parlor, and we were happy for that. We had no role models to follow, we had to find a florist who didn’t wig out over doing flowers for us, and we chose probably the most hideous outfits I will ever wear. I have no idea what I was thinking, other than we were getting married!
Even then we faced some hurtful comments. One of Linda’s brothers planned a sudden month long trip with his family out of state. My mom looked like she was going to my funeral. She kept asking what we were planning to do at the ceremony. Linda finally said “We’re going to take our shirts off and rub our boobs together Margaret. That way we won’t kiss in public.” But it was a fun day: my parents relaxed, the music took too long, Mari threw pebbles at us while my sister was taking pictures, we forgot we needed an acolyte (thank you Adam)and we felt like we had made it known we were, in fact, as married as we could be.
Fast forward to San Francisco in 2004. Linda and Jill, Sherry and Tracy, Connie and Celeste, Kim and Kristy, Kerry, Chloe, Trevor, Kelsey, Dylan, Drew and Mollie. Sherry on crutches, all of us pulling our rolling suitcases, and we were on our way to get married. It took almost 2000 calls to get four appointments for marriage licenses. We borrowed a church and brought our minister Jane. When we finally got to the church, in our limos with our kids in two and dressed for a real, live, legal wedding, one of the kids burst into tears. Because this mattered. It really, really mattered. We were racing the clock to get there in time. But we got to hear “by the power vested in me by the State of California..” We had to race to get the licenses filed, and we hummed the theme to “Chariots of Fire” as Connie ran into the Clerk’s office to get them filed. And then we were annulled by the State Supreme Court. But for that brief, glorious moment, we were married. And nobody could take that away from us.
Then came 2008. Prop 8 was looming. But there we were. We had just months to get married. We knew it. When the court decision came down that opened marriage up, I was at work, across from Sherry. We looked at each other and said “Ready?” So on the hottest day of the year, and maybe the century, two couples were married again, in our own church, with our bigger kids, and this time it really mattered. We were really, truly, legally married. And nobody could take that away.
Until Linda died. When I was relegated back to Domestic Partnership, not marriage. Where you file a piece of paper with a notary, and mail it in.
I so wish I could make people who are safely married and have never had to think about this understand how much it means to be married. How many protections they take for granted. How often they can assume they will be treated equally. And how different it is for the rest of us. My life with Linda and my life with Casper collide at moments like this because Linda and I faced so many of these challenges, and then were finally able to be legally married for two years before she died. Casper and I can’t get married in our own state, and, Like Linda and I, our marriage would not be recognized by our country. Civil unions , domestic partnerships, other arrangements that are supposed to be like marriage but not marriage- they are not marriage. You are not treated like a married couple. Separate and unequal is truly what it means. Those who feel they have a right to judge and denigrate feel empowered to do so because they know you are not really married, and they can say what they want. It’s happened so many times:
• Linda’s first mastectomy- I was locked out of her hospital room because her nurse felt she could, despite my Power of Attorney. In Florida there are still no protections for same sex couples.
• Not being able to take time off for taking care of Linda because we were not legally related
• Being denied leave to attend our nephew’s funeral because he was not “really” my nephew
• Not being able to cover Linda on my health insurance when she was sick so she had to work all through chemo or risk losing her insurance.
• Seeing and email from Linda’s boss at Riverside County after my dad died. It said “Linda and Jill are only Domestic Partners, they aren’t really married. I don’t have to allow bereavement leave, do I?” (The answer was no. That answer changed with my promise of a lawsuit.)
• Being challenged at hospitals and doctors for our DP paperwork and then our marriage license to “prove” we were a couple, while watching straight couples being treated as if there was no question at all that they were really married.
• Being told by the VA that I was not married to Linda in our country and I could not sign for her burial at the National Cemetery. (We chose a different one).
• Being asked for my marriage license for Linda’s cremation (thank you Stacie for stopping that stupidity).
• Being told we had to provide proof of our relationship at the hospital when Casper first got sick, and then again for every single procedure.
• Filling out paperwork and having to choose “other” as marital status. Who wants to be an “Other?”
It just never seems to stop. The differences are indeed profound. Colorado joined other states in passing civil union legislation this week. A few years ago I would have been excited to see that. Now, it’s just another state where gays and lesbians are supposed to be relieved they have some of the protections their families out to have , and none of the respect married couples have. Such a mindshift, and heartshift, in such a short time.
We are waiting for the United States Supreme Court to hear oral arguments this week regarding Prop 8 and DOMA. Those decisions in June could have a huge impact or none at all. It’s like living life on a string, being decided by voters who do not know you and justices who have agendas of their own. I feel like the marriage equality commercial from Europe where a gay couple had to go door to door asking their neighbors if they could get married. I hope we will finally see “By the power vested in me by the State of California” and a license that means we are married in every state. That we will finally be just as married as everyone else.
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