Chik Fil A

And so the Chick Fil A controversy rages onward…. And I become more exhausted by the hate and sense of self righteousness it is fomenting. I had to turn off the news and pull off the net tonight. It makes me ill these days to hear so much coming from those who have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Let me give it a try in case you are still reading…

I fully support the right to free speech. 100%. Totally. Let the folks who own the chain talk all they want. I support their right. In fact, I welcome it, because it allows me to spend my hard earned money elsewhere. I wish every company CEO who put their money into groups that support discriminatory laws and the taking away of rights would come out so publicly, instead of hiding behind charities and nonprofits. That way those of us being targeted by their profits can go elsewhere, and those of you who support their passion for discrimination can spend your money there.

But here’s what I want to stop:

I want each and every member of Congress to realize that when they talk negatively about gays and lesbians they are talking about their constituents. Not one of you has a district without gay and lesbian families. I know it’s a shock, but we are, in fact, everywhere. When our kids were little my late wife Linda and I walked the halls of the Senate and House Office Buildings and passed out a letter with a picture of our family. We had the kids with us. We asked in that letter that they stop the negative diatribes at our expense for their political campaign bites on CSPAN. We were trying to teach our kids that every American citizen has a voice. What they saw was a group of Congressional staffers telling their parents that their Member didn’t believe in us as a family and that they would not read out letter. Now that was a learning experience for the kids- it was “you and your family are not as important as other Americans.”

I want to stop hearing comments like “we think everyone can be themselves, but we just don’t want to see/hear about/gays and lesbians.” Or, conversely, “We just don’t think they should have a right to be married.” We like you. We really, really like you. We just think our opinion of you should dictate your civil rights. I frankly do not need you to like or respect me. I am every bit an American citizen as you. That means your Constitution is mine too. I do not get to vote on your rights, and you do not get a vote on mine. We tried that a while back, and it did not work out so well. That’s why women did not get to vote until the twentieth century. Here is the fact check: gays and lesbians have been around for forever. We will always be here. Your opinion is your right. Our rights belong to us. You do not have a vote anywhere in our Constitution that says you can decide if I exist and have my rights. And the Equal Protection clause is supposed to mean that you and I are both protected under our Constitution anywhere in our country. How is that working out?

I am exhausted by the “choose” language. I am 100% sure you did not choose your sexual orientation. I know I did not sit down and choose mine. Do you think I would choose to be discriminated against? Do you think I would volunteer to be the one targeted for hate crimes? (Yes, they are real and they happen and they have happened to me. Do not argue with me. Really). And stop with the “behavior” nonsense. I am more than the sum of my behavior in the bedroom, and so is my life. When you do that you reduce yourself to a creeper of the lowest form. I am who I am. My sexual orientation is who I am in my life. It means when I wake up I think about breakfast for my kids and my wife. I grocery shop for my kids and my wife. I cover my kids and my wife for insurance. And it means we choose where we travel based upon where we will be safe and respected in our country. I would love to take my kids to some places we simply cannot go because of there is an emergency we will not be valued as a family. That is not behavior. That is simply who we are as a family.

The very real fact is that folks like the CFA founders are supporting groups who fight to deny my family our right to exist. No straight person in our country has to worry, as I very recently did, that they would be denied access to their spouse in a hospital because a receptionist decided that we were not related in her opinion. No straight married couple has to face the loss of Social Security earnings (which are paid by our own taxes) when a spouse died because the Federal Government decided that they were not really married. No straight couple has to face burying their beloved spouse of 23 years without military honors because their spouse was present. Ask my kids about not getting their Mama’s flag after Linda Dianne Johnson-Young died on 4/2/10 and was not allowed to be buried in a VA cemetery if she wanted me to be buried alongside her. Because, as I was told, “you are only married in California, not the United States.” Is that a country you want to be a part of?

We boycott because our money needs not to fund private groups that promote laws that hurt our families. If you want to eat there, go for it. I am happy for you. But do not, as some have done tonight, pretend it’s not to promote discrimination. It absolutely is. Free speech is one thing. Sending money into the pockets of a company that wants to see my family not have the right to healthcare, adoption, FMLA, inheritance rights, SSA, etc--- that’s not free speech. That is supporting discrimination. Admit that is what you are after. Admit that you can look at my FB page, and the pictures of Linda loving her kids and me, and that you wanted her not to have that VA burial and flag. Admit you want me to be prevented from being married to Casper, who stepped up to help me and love me, and that you do not want me to be able to provide her medical insurance. Admit that you do not want us to be present in our community and that you want your kids to be able to treat our kids as if their parents are not as good as you. Admit that you want to say we are not Christian (btw- yes we are. But my sister and her family are Jewish, as are our neighbors, and one of our kids is Mormon. And I love the Hindu and Muslim co workers I have).

So let’s stop. You eat anywhere you want. But remember when you eat there, that you are promoting the hurt caused by DOMA, You are cultivating moments like my very real American children, Kerry, Charity, and Chloe Johnson-Young being denied a flag for their Mama Linda, you are supporting my not being able to marry and care for my spouse Casper. You keep that picture in your mind’s eye of our kids at Mama’s interment wondering where the flag is, and my remarriage where there was no wedding license. And admit you love that feeling and that you have more rights than me. Revel in it. Really. And eat chicken.