I haven't had any time recently to do any activities for marriage equality. It's a cause near and dear to my heart and our home, but right now it's all I can do to take care of all of the tasks necessary to get Linda taken care of and retired on disability. But it has now become an issue in getting Linda taken care of.
I have my hands full. The kids are stressed, Chloe is clinging and was acting out, and I have a million mind-numbing errands to do to get all of the mounds of paperwork done. In the midst of it, there is Linda, who is facing her illness and death, and all the losses that are already happening. She can joke about it at times, and she talks about it, but it's painful to have to answer questions about what she can't do anymore. It feels to her like she is begging for benefits that she has actually worked hard to accrue in 41 years of working. She gets tired after only a few hours of sitting or being outside. She can't sleep well because she's short of breath. She likes to chat at 2am when she can't sleep. And she feels terrible about not being able to help around the house, so the work has to happen when she is not really aware of it.
We have extra visits happening with Chloe's siblings, which can be both positive and not so great depending on how they go. Getting ready to tale placement of Chloe's birth sister is adding extra excitement, and happimess, but is also causing extra stress. Taking custody of a fifteen year old right now is not what was in the plans a few months back. Chloe loves having her sister around, and so do we. All the sisters get along. But now we are getting pressure to do more with other family members, and I just can't manage it. Chloe also can't manage the emotions that are hitting her so hard with the all the additions.
And so with all that going on, I am picking up medical records, and dealing with Social Security and the state retirement system. The various doctor's offices are all delaying all of the paperwork. The family leave papers were three weeks overdue because of one staff person at the specialist's office. Today Social Security called and said that they had not gotten any records other than the ones I had sent. So in the middle of the day I went out collecting. And that's when I had my epiphinal moment about why it was all taking so long.
I picked up the overdue FMLA papers, state papers, the short term disability papers and I asked about why the major records were not ready for Social Security from the specialist's office. The secretary looked embarrassed and said she would try to get the Nurse Practitioner to get them done. I reminded her that they had been at their office for 7 days already. I reminded her that we had 2 children to support. She and the respiratory therapist apologized profusely. They were both aware that the paperwork was late. They had seen me there three times before to try to get it. The respiratory therapist tired to get it for me the week before. Then I finally had 2/3 of it in my hands. That's when I realized that marriage equality was at the base of the delay. that's why we were not getting the services Linda had coming under our insurance. That's why every request I made has been ignored or delayed, and I am now making my own orders for oxygen supplies and getting services from our primary care doctor, not our specialist's office.
Because the nurse practitioner who refused to join the other staff last year in congratulating us in our marriage was the one doing them. The other staff cut out our wedding announcement and put it up on the wall. One had her daughter interview us for a class project. The NP ignored them. She said she was praying about Prop 8. She refused to make eye contact with me afterward, and she has refused to discuss Linda's care with me. The MD does- but she will not. I needed a new off work order for Linda, before her next MD appointment. The NP refused to do it. Our primary care provider, in another office, took care of it without hesitating.
I looked at the records, and discovered I was no longer married to Linda. The NP had crossed me out of a "spouse" and made an "other" line. I was referred to throughout the papers as her "significant other". It was in quotes every damn time. I did not count. Our family did not count to that woman. Linda's care did not matter. The fact that she needed another off work order, more oxygen, a water line on her oxygen, a wheelchair- none of that mattered. Because of who we are. Her MD does not do the paperwork. He has been more than respectful. He refers to me as her wife. We have attended his Temple, he has worked with Linda, he cared for my dad. he is making plans with me for her care. But the one person who can decide for us if Linda is going to receive benefits, now and in the future, is a bigoted piece of work who has written me out of her life, and put my role in quotes.
Now, do you think she would do that to a dying straight person? Would she do that if DOMA was not the law, and the government recognized us as a family? As long as we are second class citizens in the eyes of the law, care providers will feel free to do the same. I wish I had the energy to fight this one right now. Unfortunately, if I make waves now I risk her wrath on the SSA paperwork she still has not done. So I will wait. For now. But I will never forget being made an "other" and I will make sure she never forgets she said it. Later. In a time when I am not an emotional train wreck. And I will come out of this ready to tell this story to anyone who will listen. Being treated like this in Florida was bad, but not a surprise. But in California, where we are legally married, this is why state by state is not good enough. Because it allows bigots to feel they have a right to hurt people based on their beliefs. And the law allows it.
I have my hands full. The kids are stressed, Chloe is clinging and was acting out, and I have a million mind-numbing errands to do to get all of the mounds of paperwork done. In the midst of it, there is Linda, who is facing her illness and death, and all the losses that are already happening. She can joke about it at times, and she talks about it, but it's painful to have to answer questions about what she can't do anymore. It feels to her like she is begging for benefits that she has actually worked hard to accrue in 41 years of working. She gets tired after only a few hours of sitting or being outside. She can't sleep well because she's short of breath. She likes to chat at 2am when she can't sleep. And she feels terrible about not being able to help around the house, so the work has to happen when she is not really aware of it.
We have extra visits happening with Chloe's siblings, which can be both positive and not so great depending on how they go. Getting ready to tale placement of Chloe's birth sister is adding extra excitement, and happimess, but is also causing extra stress. Taking custody of a fifteen year old right now is not what was in the plans a few months back. Chloe loves having her sister around, and so do we. All the sisters get along. But now we are getting pressure to do more with other family members, and I just can't manage it. Chloe also can't manage the emotions that are hitting her so hard with the all the additions.
And so with all that going on, I am picking up medical records, and dealing with Social Security and the state retirement system. The various doctor's offices are all delaying all of the paperwork. The family leave papers were three weeks overdue because of one staff person at the specialist's office. Today Social Security called and said that they had not gotten any records other than the ones I had sent. So in the middle of the day I went out collecting. And that's when I had my epiphinal moment about why it was all taking so long.
I picked up the overdue FMLA papers, state papers, the short term disability papers and I asked about why the major records were not ready for Social Security from the specialist's office. The secretary looked embarrassed and said she would try to get the Nurse Practitioner to get them done. I reminded her that they had been at their office for 7 days already. I reminded her that we had 2 children to support. She and the respiratory therapist apologized profusely. They were both aware that the paperwork was late. They had seen me there three times before to try to get it. The respiratory therapist tired to get it for me the week before. Then I finally had 2/3 of it in my hands. That's when I realized that marriage equality was at the base of the delay. that's why we were not getting the services Linda had coming under our insurance. That's why every request I made has been ignored or delayed, and I am now making my own orders for oxygen supplies and getting services from our primary care doctor, not our specialist's office.
Because the nurse practitioner who refused to join the other staff last year in congratulating us in our marriage was the one doing them. The other staff cut out our wedding announcement and put it up on the wall. One had her daughter interview us for a class project. The NP ignored them. She said she was praying about Prop 8. She refused to make eye contact with me afterward, and she has refused to discuss Linda's care with me. The MD does- but she will not. I needed a new off work order for Linda, before her next MD appointment. The NP refused to do it. Our primary care provider, in another office, took care of it without hesitating.
I looked at the records, and discovered I was no longer married to Linda. The NP had crossed me out of a "spouse" and made an "other" line. I was referred to throughout the papers as her "significant other". It was in quotes every damn time. I did not count. Our family did not count to that woman. Linda's care did not matter. The fact that she needed another off work order, more oxygen, a water line on her oxygen, a wheelchair- none of that mattered. Because of who we are. Her MD does not do the paperwork. He has been more than respectful. He refers to me as her wife. We have attended his Temple, he has worked with Linda, he cared for my dad. he is making plans with me for her care. But the one person who can decide for us if Linda is going to receive benefits, now and in the future, is a bigoted piece of work who has written me out of her life, and put my role in quotes.
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