I spend my days helping hospice families face the impact of terminal illness. As the social worker my role is everything except medical- and as a team we address concerns, fears, questions, misperceptions (no, hospice does not come in with a giant IV to snuff you out. We actually like quality of life and providing support).
A regular part of my role is to talk with families about "final arrangements." That's such a nice euphemism, isn't it? It could actually mean finalizing a catering order or fitting a suit if you think about it. In my world it's how we bring up what the family plans, or doesn't want to plan, for burial, cremation, funerals, memorials... the stuff that happens when somebody has died that we all seem to pretend does not actually need to be discussed. The reality is that of you don't talk about it someone still has to make it happen, and if you haven't discussed it things may not be as you imagined they should be.
That's why they have to be talked about. And open. And those involved should be made aware of the plans. Or all hell breaks loose. Guaranteed. Someone wants their minister. Someone hates cremation. The patient always wanted to be buried in another state or country and the family can't possibly afford it and nobody has the courage to step up and make a more practical decision. Or they wait until after the death and then emotions cloud good judgment. A loved one who would have balked at buying full price anything is suddenly being placed in the Presidential casket, made from solid oak. A loved one who had no religious beliefs is being eulogized in a church they would not ever have stepped foot into when they were alive. They are only there because they are no longer there to argue. Someone gets left out because they were not considered part of the inner circle by family but they were by the person who died. You get the picture. There are so many ways to fight and argue and hurt feelings after a death, when emotions are raw, all because those conversations were not held and instructions were not written.
And so this week it was my turn. I've been surrounded by Casper's family all week. I was fortunate to have them here. Jay is still here, and is having lots of talks with Casper. The others all just left. And this time I needed to make sure I was doing things right for them. When Linda died we had lots of time. We had 23 years together. We were melded. I knew exactly what she wanted. I had no qualms about what needed to happen. I am sure she loved her memorial, with Angels shirts and Hawaiian shirts and a celebration of who she was and we were as a family. I knew where she wanted to be interred. We talked about our joint headstone (yes, I get to go visit my own grave frequently. No, it does not wig me out.)
Casper and I have had just over three years. I know what she wants to have happen. I have her permission to have a church memorial service because she now sees our church as her own, and what that family means. But her family was leaving, and I needed them to be okay with plans. So Sandy and I went to lunch at the Mission Inn. We had a nice lunch, and she got to see Riverside's finest. And then we talked. I explained my plans. She looked relieved. I was relieved. Same page in the same book. We talked about what will happen at various times, how she needs things to be done. She's now been to our church. She's comfy there. She's glad to see her sister making that connection. Finally. She's Pentecostal by upbringing. I'm Congregational. We couldn't be further apart- but we are on the same page. Same beliefs. And all focused on caring for our Casper. Now and later.
Had we not had that conversation; had Casper and I not talked three years ago, and times in between before she got sick as we visited Linda's grave, none of this would have been possible. Are the conversations easy? Probably not for most. More so for Casper and me, and for Linda and me- we faced mortality daily at work. We faced illness at home. Casper helped care for Linda. She continued to in keeping her marker clean and in flowers and flags throughout the year. Now I visit Linda alone and sit on what will be the Casper and Jill spot. And now I can do knowing her family is going to support those plans.
Have you had those conversations? Are will/trusts/powers of attorney/living wills done? Does your family know what you want? Are you sure? Organ donations? Cremation or burial? Can they afford it?
I know mortality isn't easy. It's also unavoidable. Make it easier. Have the conversation.
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