Things Not To Say To Grieving People

As a hospice social worker, a therapist, and a survivor in the grief process, I've had the opportunity to see, hear and experience what folks say when someone dies. I recently put a brief handout together after doing an intervention for a company that suffered a serious loss and was supporting its employees in coping with it.

 

I decided to add this to the blog, with some additions, after sitting in church today and being reminded of the story of Job. Poor Job, of the many misfortunes and losses. Job who was told that losses are caused by your own sin. I'm voting with our minister, Jane Quandt: your personal grief and loss is not something you generate with your choices. To me that feels much like we are on a Monopoly board and God gets to choose where we land. In terms of sheer numbers there are just too many of us for that kind of personal assignment of pain.

 

So here it is. This is not a universal list. It will never cover everything. It might even offend a few of you who have said these things with all the best intentions. Use it if you can, share if you think it might help, dump it if it offends or you know better. I have to say though- sometimes I need to be reminded, and I do this for a living.

• Simply saying “I’m so sorry” goes a long way
• Telling someone to get rid of clothes or significant items is not yours to do. This is their loss- they get to choose. When you have a loss it will be your turn to decide.
• Criticizing the memorial service is absolutely forbidden. You do realize the person putting it together is barely thinking, not sleeping, and feels like they have cotton batting wrapped around their head, don't you? This is not a kid's birthday party they didn't plan well enough. This is the memorial to the person they loved. Did they forget to acknowledge someone? Probably. Does it matter? Not even one tiny little bit. If you can't say something nice, say it was a beautiful and loving tribute. Because for them it was.
• Was the service a religion you are not familiar with and not comforting to you as a result? Possibly. Do they need to know that? Or hear you talking about it? Mom knows best- if you can't say something nice- don't say anything!
• Remember the loss will impact more at holidays. Say so. Send a card that acknowledges that. It's hard to get all those cards from happy families when you are devastated and to see the only comment  on the cards arriving is "Happy Holidays." Chances are it will be more like "These are the most challenging holidays I've ever had and I'm trying to keep it normal when it will never be again and nobody gets it and  I'm exhausted trying I can't say it because I don't want to be a downer and ruin your holidays." Try putting that on a card!
• If there are kids- please don't say things like "You are the man/woman of the family now." or "You are so lucky your mommy/daddy/grandma/grandpa is watching you from heaven now." A.) That's creepy to kids sometimes (how do you go potty with an angel watching?). B.) They would really rather have them here, and they are kids, not adults. That "man of the family" thing is good in old westerns, not real life. It makes kids totally stressed.
•  Do not pretend the loss didn’t occur. Use the name of the person who    died if it comes up. They died, they didn’t disappear, and those who suffered the loss will want to know they haven’t been forgotten.
• Do not point at the person in social or business situations- you may be discussing something else, but they may be oversensitive and might misinterpret what your actions mean and what is being discussed.
• Don’t compare your losses to theirs. Don't compare how people you know died to their loved one's death. Every time someone in a family dies the loss is different for each member. Your losses in your life are not the one anyone else has experienced.
• Never use the phrase “I know how you feel.” Truly none of us do.
• Statements such as “God never gives us more than we can handle” and “Only the good die young,” or “he/she is in a better place” are not comforting, and can cause even more pain. Don’t use them. The grieving person's internal response will be something like "A better place would be here with me" or "if only the good die young what does that make me?"(If they are really angry the response might include "Well that explains why you are still here telling me what to feel.")
• Similarly, telling the survivor that their karma caused them to need the lesson of their loved one's death- really? How better to say they caused them to die? If that's your belief- keep it to yourself. Telling them that will not cause them to follow your beliefs. Trust me.
•  Don’t ask about the manner of death: what is important is that someone you cared about has had a loss and you are there to support them. Do not make them recount it.
• Money, where the ashes went, who gets what- totally not your beeswax. Why do you need to know how much life insurance there was? Ashes- that's a little personal, don't you think? I had one patient who overheard her family calling to ask where where she would be scattered, and she was so angry she made her kids promise not to tell the extended family that she'd died until the scattering took place!
•  Remember that a loss for one can cause others to remember and relive their own losses.
•  Remember the anniversary of the death. Acknowledge it. That date never goes away. And don't tell the person still marking it to "get past it." They are moving forward. They have to. They got up this morning. But the important dates will always be important dates. That doesn't mean you need to make a huge issue of it- but a quick email telling them you are thinking about them- it matters. Telling them they should be past it- it's a certain way to hurt and offend. And it serves no purpose. I watched a dear old friend being criticized recently on social media for remembering a sibling's death by suicide. That doesn't mean she hasn't had a good life since then- but that date will never, ever be separated from that event. And nobody should try to tell her otherwise.

Grief is an individual experience. The average time frame in the US to recover from the initial stages of a major loss is one year. The expectation is that most grieving will be done in six weeks! Bear that in mind when expecting someone to have “resolved” a loss.

Many of us don’t know what to say to someone who has had a death in the family. We want to make it “feel better.” The reality is none of us have that power, and it isn’t going to feel better. It will hurt less over time. They will move on in whatever fashion they see fit. But "time heals all wounds" is for Hallmark and Lifetime, not people.