Usually Thanksgiving is the kick-off for my holiday craziness. Craziness in a good way. I love the whole season. You won't hear me complain about a crowd for a meal- I thrive on it, and spend months planning the menu, searching for new ideas. I am still, one day, going to make the Christmas tree shaped Caprese salad with the grape tomatoes and basil wrapping in ribbons around a foil covered foam tree. And I will make my own balsamic reduction glaze too!
For me it's not about "stuff" or pretentiousness- it's about gathering in the people I love and making a place where we can relax and enjoy what family is. I don't wear myself out putting on a feast. I relax every evening for the entire week before by cooking and crock potting all the sides, so the day of the feast it's all about the bbq and the bird, and making the house look festive in autumn colors. As hokey as it sounds. I look forward to the circling of hands as we all offer one idea of thanks for the year past, and the year coming. The only real stress is making room in the fridges for the crock pots as we get closer to the big day, and not sleeping it too long. Crock pots are not a good thing when they are cold!
Thanksgiving has included the kids, the very extended family, and Casper carving the bird in Linda's Thanksgiving turkey hat. The next day the Christmas decor comes out and the yard and house transforms into a wonderland of lights and trees and angels. Have I mentioned that I have more than 2 dozen Christmas trees of various sizes and colors? Casper loves Christmas decorations at least as much as I do. I was thrilled when I discovered that. My family loves the house being "done" but helping with it? Not so much. For three wonderful years I had a partner in crime buying ever more to make the season bright, making sure that when I arrived home the whole house was lit on timers so the dark winter nights were banished from Quartz Place. Next weekend would be the time to bring home the tree and have the neighbors over to decorate.
And then there is 2013. The year that Thanksgiving had to be banished.
The kids are off at Disney eating at a jungle themed restaurant. Others who join us have found other places to share the holiday. At 4PM my mom will join us here for take out from a local restaurant, and Jay and I will eat in shifts so Casper won't smell the food. We've spent the day reassuring her that she won't fall off the bed (it has full rails), that the dog won't fall off the bed, that the kids will be home soon, that I am not leaving... Her morphine/sedative/anti psychotic doses are all maxed out. Still, she rises.
Casper hasn't eaten anything in well past three weeks. Today she is taking only sips of water from a syringe. If we manage to cajole her into 20cc's it's a triumph. She's been bed bound for so long I've lost track. Spots are appearing on her skin that weren't here before. I want so badly to talk her into more fluid, into food, into a ride in the car. Then I have to remind myself.
Last night the Lewies were telling her there were men peeking into our windows. On the second floor. She thinks I am trying to poison her, and she is aware of it and apologizes for the delusion and paranoia she knows is irrational but that won't leave her mind. She wanted food last night. Well, not really food. A hot dog. Casper's old go-to food on bad days. I knew I shouldn't since she has no bowel sounds, but I agreed to call her nurse and ask. By the time I got home with a strawberry shake I was sure she wouldn't try she was asleep, and later she told me she knew she could not eat, and really wasn't hungry. Something was just triggering the thought. Damn you Lewies!
I spent last evening with a hospice family trying to cope with the illness of their teen child. They want a feeding tube, although they know, deep in their hearts, that it will never make a difference. They just need to know, especially today, that they are not withholding food and creating hunger. I so get it. I know this stuff. I teach it all day long. I can explain the dying process and that when the body is shutting down it does not need food and will cut off the hunger signal.
And yet here I am struggling with it myself. The Lewies haven't completely cut off that signal. The nasty little critters have it coming and going. Casper is choking on water today. Water. Even that will no longer go down nicely. The Lewies have stopped her swallow reflex. When she sleeps she gurgles. But they have not stopped her hunger. Not completely. Not yet. I would give anything to feed her ice cream, or chocolate, or a shake, or pretty much anything. To hold her and tell her it will be okay and we can go for that ride in the car she's been begging for throughout the last three days as she's forgotten how sick she is and that we haven't been in a car together in months. To reach out for her in the car and find her hand holding mine would be a miracle. And I would do anything to make that happen. Anything. Truly.
So today there will be no turkey on the barbecue, no mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes with pecans (Pee-Kans in North Carolinian) and marshmallows and butter and pumpkin pie spice, no rolls and corn casserole (for the record- green bean casserole is not allowed in this house. I do not care who you are.) Jay and I talked for the last few days. Neither of us can eat near Casper, and neither of us wants to trigger any memories of eating for her. Food is banned from the room as is talking about eating, and we are getting take-out. We are spending our day watching Casper having apnea, struggling with irrational fears, reassuring her, and trying to soothe her as we know we are watching her fade. Her coloring is different. Her skin is loose. Her nail beds are fading. Her grip on reality is too. We are hoping this last Thanksgiving for her will be peaceful, and that she will forget her hunger so we are not depriving her. We are hoping peace will soon find her, and combat the Lewies so Casper can feel our hands holding hers, and be reassured that she is secure in her nest and in her world.
Wishing you a blessed Thanksgiving. Hold those you love near, and tell them you care. Those moments matter.
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